In the week in which it was announced that patients in a Liverpool hospital have been drinking the alcoholic handwash provided to combat the spread of so-called superbugs, Michael Howard's latest vote winner is a proposal to bring back matrons into our hospitals.

Eager and willing to get this country back on its feet, this week I have been away at Matron School. I do not cut a matronly figure, but this is no hindrance any more, the healthier-looking the matron the better. And of course in these equal opportunity times, many of us would-be matrons are in fact men.

And to all you sad Carry On fans out there who think a matron's duties are 99% breaking up shennanigans between randy male doctors and nubile young female nurses, you really are living in the past, aren't you?

Forward with Britain!