Ozzy Osbourne of tax exile family The Osbournes, is once again 'lucky to be alive' after he tackled a burglar at his Chalfont St Peter home. Although he had the masked raider in a headlock, the thief got away with almost two million pounds worth of Osbourne family jewellery.

Ozzy was quoted as saying 'it's not the money, it's the memories'. I was always under the impression that the one thing they can't take away from you are your memories. Maybe a part of Ozzy's brain is stored inside a very expensive watch.

The press conference later starred wife Sharon who seemed to be saying it was the money after all and that they had worked damned hard for their material goods, pulling themselves up from poverty in Brixton and Birmingham and that they had every right to spend their hard earned money on whatever they thought would be a good investment for their children.

Another child-man who will presumably never have to work is also in the news today. Otis (mmm yummy) Ferry's home has been raided by police and his guns and computer have been confiscated. Apparently, he has forseen a situation in which the countryside minister may well be assassinated if hunting with dogs is outlawed, although young Otis would not condone such an act, being a peace-loving guy.

Like his namesake, Master of Foxhounds Otis could soon be spending his time sitting on the dock of the bay, watching the tide roll away.

Maybe he should take up fishing.