Sex text with Becks celebrity Rebecca Loos' pleasuring of a pig in reality tv show 'The Farm' was not a breach of taste and decency, according to tv watchdog Ofcom. Apparently, masturbation of this kind regularly occurs on UK farms, as a prelude to artificial insemination of course.

Whilst investigating the seedy underbelly of celebrity life, I had the opportunity to talk to the pig at the centre of the furore. When I asked him what he thought of the media coverage of the event, he said:

'They called it pleasure. How do they know? The cack-handed cow had no idea. I just went through the motions like with all the rest. Rebecca Loos? Who's she? Give me Pinky and Perky any day (especially Perky). Ok, they may be getting on a bit but you can't beat experience. And no cameras next time!'

I shook his trotter and wished him all the best for the 'next time'. I came away thinking if this is reality, you can stick it.