The Royal Society for the Prevention of Accidents (RoSPA) together with the TUC (Trades Union Congress) have published a checklist on how firms could avoid their staff being poisoned or injured during the pre-Christmas festivities.

According to Roger Bibbings, RoSPA Occupational Safety Advisor, following the safety guidelines should ensure 'peace at work, and good times for all staff'. Me, I'd settle for goodwill.

Apparently, dancing on desks, photocopying parts of your body or other fucking idiotic behaviour are recommended to be discouraged as they could cause accidents. I say let the stupid wankers carry on doing what they do best, as long as they don't hurt any innocent bystanders and do have to pay for any damage done to property.

If they sever their bollocks on the glass from the photocopying machine, good. Bloody good. Just don't call it an accident.